This morning, before I’d even woken up, I had nearly a dozen email from people and companies and people who ARE companies on how to be happy.  The very demand on people to be happy is maddening!  I just flashed back to George Carlin’s “Have a Nice Day” routine.  

The irony is if people would lay off the demand to be happy, we’d all be, yes, happier. I’m guessing the United States has an unusual expectation on its citizens to be giddy. Furthermore, and without peer review, I’m going to take a wild stand here and say that’s very likely why we rank 114th of 143 countries in the New Economics Foundation’s scale of happiness.

I also recall a study that showed Denmark as the most content, democratic country on the globe and the deduction, in my words, is that they just don’t care.  They aren’t striving to fulfill themselves with ideas and things to be more wonderful than the neighbor or their former selves nor do they chase down down false dreams.  Yeah, sorry.  They’re not real for the great majority of us and books of Fairy Tales should be burned.  Did I just condone a book burning?  Wow, I need to move to Denmark, quick!

Now then, onto the biggest of fairy tales.  Oprah.  This morning she thought I should take a quiz to determine whether or not I was happy.  Excuse me?  If the urge to take your car head on into a tree or off a cliff or setting your house on fire with your family in it wasn’t giving you any clue, well, you’d better take Oprah’s quiz.  

Why is it so important to push happiness on us all?  And why, pray tell, if we think we’re happy would you want to undermine us with a friggin’ quiz??????? Moreover, one of the selling points to this malarkey is that you can compare yourself to others.  

Compare myself to others!!!!!  That’s what’s making me so miserable in the first place. I played a big festival with Gwen Stefani just when we were both about to break.  I have to see her big old face all over everything while I sit in my cabin in redneck land and stew.  Compare myself to others.  Hrrmph.  I have a laundry list of people doing better than me that might drive any sane person to suicide.  Fortunately, one of my crazy dreams is to live in Denmark.  In some part of the world, I know I can escape all this hogwash.

Oooh.  I’m mad.  

So, I’m going to take the quiz.

First question: “Do you consider yourself happy?”  Really.  If I didn’t think I was happy, are you going to prove me wrong?  I consider myself a reasonable human being.  I’m happy, sad, angry, remorseful, indifferent, and a whole lotta other junk ram-packed in a petite frame.  But I’m curious, so “No.”  Which is frankly true at this moment.  I’m both insulted and annoyed.

“2.   Do you think happiness is genetic?  Are you born with it?”

Oh, well, I’ve already failed because “both” is not an option.  Crap.  What do I do?  I thought this would be easy!  Thanks, Oprah, for reminding me I do not fit in the box. If I did, I’d probably be less discontented!

Ok, Um, No.  I’ll pick no.  I’m only 7% done?  Ok, I’m going to get back to you guys…

… Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me.  I finished the quiz and it doesn’t even tell me if I passed or failed.  It’s just a bunch of statistics and how other people are answering.

How am I ever going to know if I’m happy?

References:

George Carlin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vmknnXoOJk

Oprah’s quiz

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Poll-Are-You-Happy

OECD Report (Denmark Wins)

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/05/world-happiest-places-lifestyle-travel-world-happiest.html

The Happy Planet Index (Country Happiness Rankings)

http://www.neweconomics.org/projects/happy-planet-index