Several weeks ago I yanked some hair out to send to the UK for allergy testing.  I’m so sick of being sick, but more than that, I’m sick of getting RASHES.  What in the hell.  No, not there.  I get them on my arms and face you jerk wad.

Every day I come home to check the mail with hopes of finding out what in the hell is wrong with me!  This morning it arrived in my email and I couldn’t be happier!  Being able to solve your own problems is probably one of the most satisfying life experiences one can have.  Now, I have plenty of problems, true, but now I can conquer one that’s been thorny for me for about a decade.  Moreover, this is going alleviate a lot of woes like moodiness, low energy, slipping self-esteem when my skin has reactions, the misery of not breathing, and the uneasiness of being at a party and having to utter the words, “I don’t know if I should really eat that.” 

Cool.  Also, I will never have to eat a water cress diet and suffer that awful “elimination diet” again!!!!  WHOO HOO!  Talk about misery.  If you think you knowing your own sensitivities are might boost your quality of life and you don’t have the several grand to run an allergy test in the US, the link to this is below.  The only thing that sucks is that I’m apparently sensitive to cacao and garlic, two of my favorite things ;)  Joyfully, my list is relatively very small. 

Oh, joyous day!

http://www.testyourintoleranceusa.com/Order-Your-One-Step-Test.html

I’ve finished with November and began December in Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project.  November mirrored my dilemma of self more than the others.  In November, Rubin focused on her critical nature as a source of unhappiness.  She claimed that criticizing makes us appear smarter and feel superior.  I hadn’t really thought of my own insatiability as serving those purposes. 

In fact, if anything, they seem to make me feel more disconnected from the group, though, in reality, my groups have been rather critical.  However, I am going to take note in her evaluations and attempt to be more conscience of this default I have to want the world around me to hold itself to higher standards.  Yes, I want utopia.  In the law of attraction, that should be a valuable desire, but in reality, I suppose it’s a big bummer and an enforcement of how flawed the environment at large is. 

I’m not sure how you get better and better if you don’t recognize what’s not so hot, but there must be a way so, while she attempted to bite her tongue for an entire week, I’ll give it a shot tomorrow.  Tomorrow is my first day at a job any outsider would say is a waste of my mind and talents, but in an effort to launch my CD without capital, I’m in need of some bill-paying money so here I go.  If I fail my dreams, I want to at least be happy because happiness is the superior state, no matter what we smarty pants think.

With the responsibility of a minimum wage job comes early and long hours so my normal routine of working when inspired, no matter what wee hour that might be, will be temporarily haulted.  So, too, will my regular blogging, I imagine, but we shall see.  Just when I took the bandage from the tip of one of my typing fingers, too!

If I can muscle up the creativity afterward, I believe this little veg-head, environmental, peacenik will be writing about what it’s like to work in a shop of ammo and fish bait.  Should be rather interesting.  Any ideas on what that blog might be called?

Rubin did say something that rubbed me the wrong way.  In her constant attention to herself, she noticed that saying that she was exhausted and was turning in early was actually a complaint.  Lord, child.  If you’re exhausted, you’re exhausted.  A complaint is, “You’ve wiped me out to the point in which I can’t deal anymore so good night.”  Honestly, how does anyone achieve being happy while being so damned hard on themselves?  I speak from the experience of being one of those people.  Last night, I set out to wake up at six AM.  I spent the ENTIRE NIGHT tossing and turning.  I have to figure out how to bed down by nine because I have to go to work. 

Facts, is facts. 

Terence McKenna (via elige)

I’m stealing this from another blogger because Terrance McKenna wisdom actually does make me happy.  So, now, as I explore happiness, I need to consider a new idea.  A new idea?  I’m not very technical.  I can only rearrange words in slightly new or at least forgotten ways.  I can arrange melodies in mch the same, humble way.  I used to have new ideas on saving a dime, but now that EVERYBODY’S broke, people are catching up to my inventiveness.  So, now what?  Think, Amy.  THINK!

(via howtoberighteous)

“Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.” - John Stuart Mills

Miss Gretchen quoted this, in disagreement with it, providing three different ideas of what it really meant. Not having read it in context, I wasn’t sure myself. My first reaction to the quote is that the question is, well, a question. Questioning yourself stirs doubt. Doubt is far from the happy strain of emotions. Seemed like the question is a disruption of a zen state. “To Be.”

Then, I was astonished, that immediately after this closing, she opened her next chapter with the study of Buddhism.

Made me wonder, “Is ignorance bliss?”

Well, we all know that answer.

I woke up and dreamed about winning the lottery while trying to put my actual dreams in order.  I imagined myself in this two million dollar home I saw online.  I finally kicked myself out of bed to feed the dogs and whilst waiting outside for them, I “tapped” a little positive energy into me.  Then I did something rash. 

Not having any money and a little over-extended in credit trying to live my music dream, I bought into another happiness trap using PayPal’s “Bill Me Later” option.  For over a decade, I guess, I’ve wanted to buy the Silva Mind System.  I, for a while, committed to their free meditation and found it valuable.  When I moved in, again, with my now husband I lost space and time and that commitment. 

Well, I didn’t buy that. 

I did buy a new program on mindfulness that was created with them.  You’ll have to look it up if you want the pitch, but this morning I started my lessons and I remained happy until early evening.  I tried to practice the compassion encouraged while watching a guy stand with the freezer door open for several minutes at the grocery store.  I caught myself staring at him with disgust and shaking my head.  Yeah, I’m that girl.

Then he opened a second door for several minutes and I forgot I was supposed to allow him his stupid world view.  Then he opened a third and although I knew his wife saw me disapproving, I thought about how we use only we waste 70% of energy through inefficiency while Japan, recently and tragically hit by the massive tsunami, is conversely 90% efficient and I’m watching this dill hole read every item in the grocery freezer with the door open.  Ugh. 

Ah, well, I’ll try again tomorrow!

This morning I sold a CD to a completely faceless person on CD Baby.  That’s my first totally anonymous sale.  Neat.  Yesterday my friend bought me on iTunes, so I got some love, too.  There it is.  Reinforcement.  And my hormones have calmed down, so I’m actually happier!

“And I feel, so much depends on the weather…” Stone Temple Pilots

I know I’ve been tapping and dedicating myself to chiseling down my goals, but I have to say, it’s been sunny and a bit warmer up here in the mountains the last two days.  When thinking on what to say tonight and my good mood, I realized this correlation.  While I do believe at least half of my cheer could be attributed to the weather, I think I could hang with a smile in Seattle.  I do like fog. 

It’s the cold that’s been killing me!  Oh, spring, have you sprung?

Obviously, the main issue I’ve had with “The Secret” people is the pressure, especially Abraham, puts on you to think perfectly.  It’s paranoia inducing and sabotaging.  However, as a teen, I had a knack for manifesting through intention so I’ve had a hard time cutting the cord. 

The last nine days I’ve been involved in a free “tapping” seminar online.  These are EFT sessions which help you work through limiting beliefs and emotional memories by physically tapping on energy points in your body.  If you’re familiar with acupuncture, acupressure, NAET, or NET, or anything in traditional Chinese medicine, you have an idea of what I mean.  I don’t really know the history of tapping, but I don’t think it’s an ancient Chinese art.  This is fairly new in healing and is used predominantly by psychologists.

Anyway, something happened in one of the sessions today that made me so, so happy.  YAY!  Nick Ortner, who I believe orchestrated the event, gave me the freedom to relax about the “Law of Attraction.”  To paraphrase, while attributing great value to the principle, he said that “when there’s a monster standing in front of you, you don’t just turn around and pretend it’s not there.”  In tapping, they acknowledge your negative feelings and help you to let them go rather than create more anxiety by making you feel like life is going to get you if you give your negative feelings a fleeting thought. 

Whew.  Thanks.

Everything can be accomplished by changing your thoughts. This is a pretty common theme. Once you start really getting involved with people like Abraham, you also find out your responsible for ever ache, every cold, every accident, cancer, assault, and yes, I’m sure the economy was because our minds are feeble, too. That made me a nervous wreck! And, due to the hefty responsibility, the “Law of Attraction” made me draw in a lot more mishaps! Jerks. Regardless, I always sort of had these inclinations.

In high school, I used to tell myself twenty times that I was going to get an “A” on a test.  It always worked.  That and studying.  When I didn’t do that, though, the grade was up in the air.  I even bagged my first “real” boyfriend by insisting he was mine to anyone interested.  Let me clarify, by bagged I mean he was my boyfriend because we never did it and by “real” I mean that I thought he was dedicated to the end, but had no idea he would break that dedication in a matter of months and the relationship would, therefore, end. 

My dad had given me a book that prompted this sort of wordsmithing.  I believe the book even had it’s roots in Christianity, but I’ve never been able to find the book since.  I can’t remember what it’s called or who wrote it, but the phrase went something like, “I know all that I need to know in order to get an A on this test and God will make it happen.”  No “please, God” or “do you think, maybe, would you God.”  I remember feeling that the phrasing was a demand. 

Now, I’m a little afraid of making any demands.  Punishment for haughtiness can be cruel!  And I’m always hearing the conservative Christians complaining about “entitlement.”  So, now I’m trying to find something else that works. 

Readers:  Do you have any ideas?

This morning, before I’d even woken up, I had nearly a dozen email from people and companies and people who ARE companies on how to be happy.  The very demand on people to be happy is maddening!  I just flashed back to George Carlin’s “Have a Nice Day” routine.  

The irony is if people would lay off the demand to be happy, we’d all be, yes, happier. I’m guessing the United States has an unusual expectation on its citizens to be giddy. Furthermore, and without peer review, I’m going to take a wild stand here and say that’s very likely why we rank 114th of 143 countries in the New Economics Foundation’s scale of happiness.

I also recall a study that showed Denmark as the most content, democratic country on the globe and the deduction, in my words, is that they just don’t care.  They aren’t striving to fulfill themselves with ideas and things to be more wonderful than the neighbor or their former selves nor do they chase down down false dreams.  Yeah, sorry.  They’re not real for the great majority of us and books of Fairy Tales should be burned.  Did I just condone a book burning?  Wow, I need to move to Denmark, quick!

Now then, onto the biggest of fairy tales.  Oprah.  This morning she thought I should take a quiz to determine whether or not I was happy.  Excuse me?  If the urge to take your car head on into a tree or off a cliff or setting your house on fire with your family in it wasn’t giving you any clue, well, you’d better take Oprah’s quiz.  

Why is it so important to push happiness on us all?  And why, pray tell, if we think we’re happy would you want to undermine us with a friggin’ quiz??????? Moreover, one of the selling points to this malarkey is that you can compare yourself to others.  

Compare myself to others!!!!!  That’s what’s making me so miserable in the first place. I played a big festival with Gwen Stefani just when we were both about to break.  I have to see her big old face all over everything while I sit in my cabin in redneck land and stew.  Compare myself to others.  Hrrmph.  I have a laundry list of people doing better than me that might drive any sane person to suicide.  Fortunately, one of my crazy dreams is to live in Denmark.  In some part of the world, I know I can escape all this hogwash.

Oooh.  I’m mad.  

So, I’m going to take the quiz.

First question: “Do you consider yourself happy?”  Really.  If I didn’t think I was happy, are you going to prove me wrong?  I consider myself a reasonable human being.  I’m happy, sad, angry, remorseful, indifferent, and a whole lotta other junk ram-packed in a petite frame.  But I’m curious, so “No.”  Which is frankly true at this moment.  I’m both insulted and annoyed.

“2.   Do you think happiness is genetic?  Are you born with it?”

Oh, well, I’ve already failed because “both” is not an option.  Crap.  What do I do?  I thought this would be easy!  Thanks, Oprah, for reminding me I do not fit in the box. If I did, I’d probably be less discontented!

Ok, Um, No.  I’ll pick no.  I’m only 7% done?  Ok, I’m going to get back to you guys…

… Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me.  I finished the quiz and it doesn’t even tell me if I passed or failed.  It’s just a bunch of statistics and how other people are answering.

How am I ever going to know if I’m happy?

References:

George Carlin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vmknnXoOJk

Oprah’s quiz

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Poll-Are-You-Happy

OECD Report (Denmark Wins)

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/05/world-happiest-places-lifestyle-travel-world-happiest.html

The Happy Planet Index (Country Happiness Rankings)

http://www.neweconomics.org/projects/happy-planet-index